So...as you may have inferred from my initial posts, I am a recovering person. The substances involved are of little significance in larger scheme of things...suffice it to say that my "lower self" enjoys anything that makes it feel better and wants more of it...and it wants it YESTERDAY!
Reeling from a recent relapse; a term that almost understates the calamity of such events for someone like myself, I have again embarked on a journey of recovery.
I have chosen the 12 Steps as my guide...it's been a proven method since the late 30s and it was the stairway in which I claimed into over 5 years of sobriety and which led me into a life I could have hardly dreamed of hitherto.
I won't bore you with a summary of the 12 Steps; that information exists online and in perhaps thousands of books and literature in many languages (and probably much better explained by real writers), but I would like to share some of my journey... And some explanation is required for context, so those of you that are veterans of this experience please bear with me.
So, I find myself at a crossroads on this journey. I'm approximately half way through the formal 12 Steps and am at a place where the focus is turning from inward reflection, discovery, confession, and admission to a more outward look towards the needs of those around me and a closer "walk" if you will, with my Creator.
The 1st steps outward involve cataloging the harms that I have inflicted upon others and becoming willing to set them straight..."to clean up my side of the street". It's a process laden with the land mines of guilt, shame, and false pride and I have been especially prayerful of late.
In preparation for these amends I recently catalogued my list of "character defects"(Step 6); in this case taken from the list of Seven Deadly Sins (Pride, Greed, Lust, Anger, Gluttony, Envy, and Sloth) and became willing to have them removed by a power greater than myself (Step 7), it is now time to construct my amends list.
This may all sound like a lot of unpleasant work, but I must say that the revelations about myself and the patterns I have discovered to be woven through my life have been really keen and have deepened my faith in God and my knowledge of myself and the world I live in. The whole process to this point has been shot through with the Grace of God...I have not spent too much time in morbid reflection. I am quick to remember that what I am doing is of no less significance than life and death for me.
It is on this precipice that I now stand...no longer isolated and alone, but once again embracing life and willing to do the work.
As someone I really admire often says..."Onward".