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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Love (Where the rubber meets the road)

“The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being” Page 53 Twelve and Twelve.

Partnerships, huh?

As I sit; slightly bloated from a Thanksgiving feast, I ponder the meaning of that word. 

I recollect viscerally the images of my last lovers and I can't help but feel the slightest tint of guilt.

Yes guilt; that bitter old friend of my upbringing. These days it rears itself within me more in tinges than pangs...the result of many years of self-numbing. 

I feel a bit of that old guilt tonight. I am recently single again and with what seemed to be a very promising relationship in ashes. 

This time I struck the match and didn't stick around to watch it burn and I didn't try to quelch it either. I "ghosted". 

Well; what I can say is that I loved with all my might and I lived to tell the tail. I have a fresh set of amazing memories and little in the way of regrets, but yet and still guilt is calling my name.

As I helped with Thanksgiving preparations today, I couldn't help but wonder if she was feeling as grateful as me today. Did she at any point fling her hair and laugh with that certain glint in her eyes? 

I hope so...I really do. 

I hope that she can find a way to heal her scars earned from years of trauma and loss. I hope that she will one day embrace love without overwhelming fear. I hope that God will give her things I tried to. I hope that she will find herself.

Lastly, I hope that I can one day find all those same things as well. 

That as I trudge the road of recovery, I will one day know more than just loving the feeling of falling in love.

They say that where there is breath, there is hope...and I'm still breathing.

Sunday, February 3, 2013


...And so the page turned. 

2013 arrives; full of hope and it appears that the world is once again smiling upon me! 

A first kiss under the New Year's Eve fireworks has me walking on air. A job offer; complete with a solid salary, a 3 bedroom villa and health benefits. January hearkens a new year so much brighter than the one passing behind me.

It feels as though I have been holding my breath these long months and that I can finally exhale again!!! I move, start the job and begin what promises to be a new adventure. I pinch myself, smile and thank God for having brought me so far. This new year is off to an amazing start!

Then life decides to strike me with the blunt callousness of a sledgehammer. Within the same week I lose the job and the villa. I am discouraged, but relieved in some ways (the organization; as it turns out, was filled with some of the most brutal and unethical people I have ever worked with).

I commence to network and within days I get interviews..."stay positive", I tell myself..."you've been through this before". 

That Saturday my girlfriend calls me and surprises me that she has an unexpected day off and asks if I'd like to share the evening with her. I arrive; gift in hand and settle in on the couch with her. She ends a conversation with someone on her cell phone and starts giving me the "Dear John" speech. I'm blown away, but I contain myself and I politely tell her that she need not explain herself any further. 

I give her a kiss on the forehead and walk dizzily out. I leave the gift on her car windshield and I pull away...heart in my throat and feeling as though I suddenly weigh 1000 pounds. 

I immediately go where I know there will be a lot of AA people around. It's a meeting hall and although the timing isn't right to catch a meeting, I just need to be there. I pull into the back of the parking lot, park in a dark corner and the tears come in waves. I purge and I breath. I don't drink.

So, as January ends I am unemployed and a little heartbroken, but above all I am sober...stark raving sober.

Turn the page......

Stay tuned.