“The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being” Page 53 Twelve and Twelve.
As I sit; slightly bloated from a Thanksgiving feast, I ponder the meaning of that word.
I recollect viscerally the images of my last lovers and I can't help but feel the slightest tint of guilt.
Yes guilt; that bitter old friend of my upbringing. These days it rears itself within me more in tinges than pangs...the result of many years of self-numbing.
I feel a bit of that old guilt tonight. I am recently single again and with what seemed to be a very promising relationship in ashes.
This time I struck the match and didn't stick around to watch it burn and I didn't try to quelch it either. I "ghosted".
Well; what I can say is that I loved with all my might and I lived to tell the tail. I have a fresh set of amazing memories and little in the way of regrets, but yet and still guilt is calling my name.
As I helped with Thanksgiving preparations today, I couldn't help but wonder if she was feeling as grateful as me today. Did she at any point fling her hair and laugh with that certain glint in her eyes?
I hope so...I really do.
I hope that she can find a way to heal her scars earned from years of trauma and loss. I hope that she will one day embrace love without overwhelming fear. I hope that God will give her things I tried to. I hope that she will find herself.
Lastly, I hope that I can one day find all those same things as well.
That as I trudge the road of recovery, I will one day know more than just loving the feeling of falling in love.
They say that where there is breath, there is hope...and I'm still breathing.